FIRST FUCKING RANT:
Listen to this song as you read please:
So I currently work within a "DRINK SERVING" hell hole. I've worked bars now for 3 years and i've got to that sorry point of no return where the slightest slice of stupidity makes my knickers fizz with excitement and desperation to tell a fellow bartender how dumbfucked i've just been.
'DUMBFUCKED' the adj of 'DUMBFUCK'; to be DUMBFUCKED is to not react to a humans dim-witted approach to either drink order or drink prep conversation.
HARSH you may think, well silly you, because when it's a saturday night and you find yourself thinking
"Id rather die than serve that cunt a vodka and coke" and its only 11o'clock, then you have a problem.
Surely I could handle it, but I am well and truely one spot of bleach on my leggings away from placing a bottle of Ciro up the next chuff of any orange slutty bucketed whore, who sucks and fucks in the smoking area after vomming mushrooms and glitter all over the floor.
REASONS FOR ANGER SPLASH:
I'll set the scene folks. I shall play the part of Bartender, awaiting custom/or already serving but have to stop and be DUMBFUCKED right in my kisser.
Customer shall play the custom part.
Bartender: Hey there, what can I get you?
Customer: Can I have a large glass of wine...
ARE YOU A FUCKING DUMBARSE? BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY ARENT A WINE DRINKER ARE YOU? can I have a large glass of wine? No you fucking cant because i'm not you and I dont know what wine you are after. It's a bloody bar, imagine all that sodding wine - red, white, rose and thats not even the brands or types.
God Save the queens in my face
Customer: (action) waves a note at my fucking face although i'm clearly serving and that fat bitch is not next.
HOW RUDE!! Waving money at me, like she is so parched, seconds more of waiting could end her and her "mates" binge drinking, cigarette smoking, cocaine sniffing lives.
Are you open pal(S)?
Customer: (action) walking into the bar with his friends, all of which are looking around the bar, having a real gander at the emtpy seats and room to break dance as it is only 9o'clock and only the "uncool" and "golden oldies" are ready and in the town centre at fucking 9'oclock.
Customer: are you still open? (action) "laughter"
ITS FUCKING 9o'CLOCK DICKHEAD.. ONLY A FUCKING RETARDED BAR OWNER WOULD STAY OPENING DURING THE DAY ON A SODDING SATURDAY AND CLOSE AT 9PM!!!! although I hear your giggle, sliding through the gap in your 28 year old mouth, I find you to be the joke Sir, as you look like a prize tit and your beer belly is begging me to slap it or do a body shot off of it, as at least if i'm ill I get to go home and flick my bean over the idea of serving an attractive person (who does'nt think they are gods gift) who tips and wants a beautiful filled glass of Riesling because like me this fitty has a sweet tooth.
Bartender: Yes Sir, what can I get you and your men friends to drink (I could possibly say more about that terrible question he just asked me, but the idea of hearing myself being nice to somebody who clearly just walked through an open door and questioned the opening and closing of a BAR is making my mouth fill with water and my lips, which have been refered to as "Blow Jobs lips" can feel lastnights supper which is like a coulis flooding through my teeth and sticking to my top lip. If I muster another word I could potentially be serving him a pint of my vomit or be serving his checked shirt my sick.
PPPPProunciation
Customer: Alight love, i'l have a sixteen sixty four, a blue wicked and a glass of tap water.
FUCK YOU. To start with, any cunt that is drinking a WKD surely is'nt going to fucking need a glass of water, it's like drinking KA or Panda Pop, it's a small titted teen drink. Something that at the age of 14 i'd already realised was'nt going to get me drunk enough to kiss my fat bestfriend to impress the boys, fuck this shitty party im going home to play GTA VICE CITY.
NOTE: I was using alot of Captial letters which I know you understand, like WKD is named that way to make life for a drunked easy, so what the fuck is a "wicked blue" please call it what it says on the tin. I do not care how much fucking television you have seen and thats why you call it that, because of the fucking adverts. PRICK. Ohhh and lets not forget the 1664 which i'm sure is named Kronenbourg and 1664 is the year the beer was first brewed. I know why you are calling it 'sixteen sixty four' though LAD it's because you are a british twat and you just cant get your dryed up tongue around the word.
Have you got?
The customer has been waiting about 10 minutes for there drink and I am really sorry about it, i've been swomped because we are short staffed.. I'm running around and everytime I look at the bar to either talk to someone about there drink ect. I see this sad looking face. He shouts "i've been here for ages love" MOTHER FUCKER, IVE BEEN HERE SINCE 5! So I finish the drinks of those who were before said person and I say:
Bartender: I'm so sorry about the wait Sir, what can I get you?
Customer: Right, i'l have a Bud......
YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING WAITING LIKE 10MINUTES AND YOU DID'NT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO LOOK AROUND THE BAR TO SEE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE BUD.
Bartender: I'm sorry Sir, we do not serve bud.
Customer: What other bottled beers do you have then?
I can honestly say I dont know where this cunt has been looking? like what the fuck has he been doing all this time...
Bartender: We have Peroni, Corona....
Customer: Peroni please sweetheart 3 of them, and DAVE, Oi Dave mate what you having (pulling someone who is nowhere near the bar who is chattin)
MATE, 10 FUCKING MINUTES AND YOU COULD'NT HAVE ASKED DAVE WHAT HE WANTED? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU SERIOUSLY BEEN DOING WITH YOUR TIME. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE MATE, A FUCKING TIME WASTER.. AND YOU DAVE YOU FUCKING CUNT.
Bartender: (action) after a few solid minutes and about 12 people who seem to think im not currently waiting to recieve information about drinks from said person, asking and frowning about service..
Customer: A bandy and coke, 2 Jager Bombs, 4 squashed frogs, (as this arsehole is telling me all the time swallowing drinks he wants, i'm listening and making as I listen as the till is currently being used by another member of staff..)
Bartender: There you are Sir that will be..
Customer: Oh sorry love and a Guinness.
OH MY GOODNESS. GUINNESS TAKES A LONG TIME TO FUCKING SETTLE, YOU COULD HAVE HAD THE HEART FOR ME AND THE OTHERS WHO ARE WAITING AND SAID THAT FIRST SO I CAN GET IT OUT OF THE WAY... WHY ARE YOU EVEN DRINKING IF YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT BOOZE.
.....few minutes pass....
Bartender: Sorry about that Sir, right now that will be (an amount over £20, i'm ranting and I simply am not going to take time out of my rant to give you a price list)
Customer: Bloody hell, didnt realise I was buying a mortgage
BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY ARENT... THEY ARE LIKE WHAT? OVER £100,000 AND IT'S A HOUSE YOU BUY!!! AND YOU ARE CURRENTLY MOANING ABOUT A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY. YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MUCH 3 BOTTLES OF PERONI ARE... £9.90 SO DO NOT BE SUPRISED OR YOU COULD GO HOME, FUCK YOU FAT ARSE GIRLFRIEND FOR ONCE AND BUY A 6 PACK OF STELLA FOR UNDER £8 YOU CHEAP CUNT.
Customer: Here you go darling, and keep the change
Yeah, thanks.. that 10p is going to help go toward my fucking therapy bill you fucking goblin.
Well really you should be doing that in life, that rule should apply to life mate.
Because if you are'nt careful, you could be in a huge queue of people who will and deserve to be sprayed with a soda/coke/lemonade gun. and no motherfucker you are not worth me paying for a whole glass of coke so it will be soda on your new t-shirt which I know is from Ed Hardy - Just because it's expensive doesnt make it good dickhead.
Alcohol makes you a twisted and fucked up human being.
If you are a women, its makes you the lonely slut you have always been. Fucking everyone and anyone thats got a pulse and alcohol makes you cry about past bad realtionships and friends you have lost due to know fault of your own.
If you are male it makes you think that everybody in the room wants to start a fight with you and you can just treat people like shit because you have the night off for once and you are letting your hair down and getting your dick out to random strangers because its funny.
- Alcohol doesnt make you do anything people, it just brings out your true self, the person you have to hide in reality because if you didnt mask your real personality you would never fuck anyone or ever get a job because really, really you are a fucking mug. Don't worry lads and ladies I am too, we all are wankers together, shitting and pissing and consuming junk food and terrible conversations day in day out. That is what being a Human is all about. Sorry to break the news to you so sneakly but i needed to smile as I currently have a candle melting looking face as I frowed so much during the RANT my eye brows are resting on the bridge of my nose.
FIT
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